THORSDAY THUNDERBOLT: The Path to Glorious Victory in Mortal Life

Fair warning, mortals: this weeks column doth find the Odinson more surly than usual. Having spent many a year on Midgard it hath come to me that there be’st a fair segment of your population that is miserable, generally by their own doing. This goes beyond e’en the typical first-world problems one encounters when Soccer Mom X doth not get a triple shot of espresso but only a double shot that doth end in the gnashing of teeth and clutching of pearls. The Odinson is talking about self-defeating actions—mortals setting themselves or those close to themselves up to fail or, if not fail, at least fall down and skin a knee. So, buckle up warriors, this week will be a bit more of a bumpy ride then most of thee art used to. To narrow down some of the concepts Odinson doth see far too oft, this will be split into three concepts.

1) Thou art not special, but that doth not mean thou aren’t awesome.

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Chuck Palahniuk summed the concept up fair succinctly in Fight Club. Thou art not a beautiful and unique snowflake. Verily, tis a harsh reality for some, in the days of getting trophies for merely showing up and being told by others that the odor of one’s feces doth resemble that of sweet roses. This may’st, of course, create some confusion upon entering the job force where being the least productive on a team doesn’t get one a participation award but instead a pink slip. Now, most will look upon this negatively, saying How dare the Prince of Asgard cast such aspersions?. Well, being a thunder god occasionally hath its privileges, and, well, thou art foolish for considering this a negative in the first place.

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So, thou art not special? Guess what that means? Neither is anyone else. Thou art now on equal footing with kings and captains of industry. Is the light bulb going off yet? Good. Don’t e’er look at someone, see what they have, and for a single second consider them better than thee. Better still, stop comparing thine own achievements to those of thy competitors. Verily, comparing thyself to the Joneses is a sure-fire recipe to have a bad time whilst in this realm. Be comfortable in thine own skin, find something that makes thee happy and doesn’t cause harm to those around thee and own it. But do it for thee, not for a pat on the back or a gold star (or an uru hammer).

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2) Thou need’st to grasp the concept of need vs. want.

Most things in Midgard can be broken down into one of two catagories: either tis a need or a want. The issue these days is that the line hath been blurred, and people hath begun to either go in debt from their mounting wants or art willing to forgo needs in order to enjoy those wants. Worse still, those who push beyond their means to keep up with the Joneses. A perfect example of this was the housing craze of the late twentieth century, with a great many people purchasing homes larger than their needs demanded, all because Steve at the office just bought his family a five bedroom palace fit for the streets of the Golden Realm itself. As usually happens, pride goeth before the fall or, in this case, bubble bursting. An already high mortgage combined with not understanding how an ARM worked (thou dos’t use’t to swing a hammer, no?) left some in a bad, bad spot.

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E’ery year without fail, Surly Thor watches as mortals line up in droves to hand o’er $200 for the latest iteration of the iPhone. Art all their current phones broken? Nay, but they hath been conditioned to believe that they need the two new bells and three new whistles which this latest model offers that the previous one did not. Giving credit where credit is due, Apple doth market controlled obsolescence like no other corporation on the planet. But, in one of the finest examples of need vs want, they market a slightly modified product like thy life is not complete without it and people flock to throw money at them.

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That is not to say Surly Thor asks thee to take up a Spartan lifeststyle; just understand thy financial limits. Debt is a cruel mistress, and the Odinson speaks from experience on the issue. Thy culture hath become one of instant gratification, and ’tis easy to give into the temptation of pulling out a small piece of plastic and worrying about the consequence at a later date. That giant flat screen television will be of little comfort when the power is shut off for not paying the bill. Mayhaps signing up for another credit card is not the brightest move when one hath a wallet filled with cards over their limit? Figure out thy budget, and figure what thou can safely spend on wants. If its not the budget for that new iPhone, wait—thou can live with two less bells until that day. There is no need in the nine realms to spend all of thy waking hours working to dig thyself out of the hole of buying all the stuff thou no longer hath the free time to enjoy.

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3) Thou generally hast two options in life: fix it or accept it.

Whining is ne’er an option. Correction: ’tis an option, but so is urinating into a strong breeze. Thou will ne’er hear the Odinson expound on the virtues of that endeavor either. When confronted with problems, and confronted thou wilt be, thou truly hast only two solid options for tackling the problem. Thou cans’t either take steps to correct the issue, or thou can accept the issue as a cost of doing business (in this case the business of existing), in which case thou relinquisheth all right to complain about said issue. When someone tells the Odinson that they hate their job, I tell them to quit. Generally they will tell me they can’t due to one of several reasons, at which point my suggestion is to figure what part of the job vexes them and find a way to allow that to wash off them like water off a mallard. Sure, there is catharsis in complaining, but eventually thou hast been on the privy for far to long, and tis either time to defecate or vacate it for the next soul in line. Surly Thor understand the comfort in the familiar, but when routine is no longer bringing thee comfort and is instead causing thee to be miserable suddenly then the unknown looks better.

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Surly Thor wants all of thee to be happy, so consider this all said with love. Until next Thorsday, be the best you possible.

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ST