THORSDAY THUNDERBOLT: Mortal Questions, Godly Answers

So good warriors, here we are again. This week, in a more light-hearted change of pace, Surly Thor asked all of thee, the noble warriors of Midgard, to ask Odinson anything thy little hearts desired, and I would answer as best I could. Below are presented some of thy questions. So, here goes nothing. Enjoy.

Q) It is estimated that if added up, the cost of Wal-Mart employees nationwide receiving government assistance would be around 2.66 billion dollars. Since Wal-Mart pays about 5 billion dollars in corporate income tax per year, are they not indirectly covering the costs of the assistance their employees are receiving from the government? Could someone make that argument?

A) An excellent question. While yes, on the face it doth appear that Wal-Mart ‘covers’ the amount needed to keep their employees fed and in good medical health, peeling back the layers doth produces a different story. Wal-Mart is in essence double dipping when one realizes they receive about 1.2 billion in tax breaks to begin with, and when one looks at a company like Costco that also pays a large share of taxes and requires little to no government assistance for its workers suddenly Wal-Mart doth not look so good. Or, to put it another way, go to http://www.whitehouse.gov/2012-taxreceipt and look at how a tax dollar is intended to be spent by the government. Wal-Mart is requiring more to be put toward things like SNAP and Medicaid than ’tis being put in. So, to answer thy question, no, one could not successfully make the argument that Wal-Mart covers its costs for being a shitty employer.

Q) Why does bacon taste so good?

A) Face it: the worse something is for the mortal body, the better it tastes. In days of yore, bacon was a food eaten at feasts of heroes and warriors, and its artery-clogging properties were an easier way to speed those souls to Valhalla.

Q) Does this e-mail make me look fat? Think carefully about your answer.

A) This email doth not make thee look fat. Worry not about other’s perceptions of thy shape, and focus more on being awesome in thine own skin.

Q) Where did Mary Ann get the flower, butter, and cream to make Gilligan a coconut cream pie?

A) A better question is if they could fix a radio how the Hell could they not fix a hole in a boat?

Q) Three men go to stay at a motel and the clerk charges them $30.00 for the room. They split the cost ten dollars each. Later the manager tells the clerk that he over-charged the men and that the actual cost should have been $25.00. He gives the clerk $5.00 and tells him to give it to the men. But he decides to cheat them and pockets $2.00. He then gives each man a dollar. Now each man has paid $9.00 to stay in the room and 3 X $9.00 = $27.00.  The clerk pocketed $2.00. $27.00 + $2.00 = $29.00.  So where is the other $1.00?

A) A brain teaser: splendid! The math at the end tis incorrect; each man did not pay $9 to stay in the room they did pay $8.33(repeating). In other words the desk clerk originally received $30 and gave $5 back to the bellhop, so he has $25. The three men originally gave away $30 and received $3 back, so they have $3. The bellhop was allowed to keep $2 for his trouble. $25 + $3 + $2 = $30.

Q) Why are you so fascinated with Midgard (especially American) politics? What event caused such surliness?

A) Asgard, short of Loki’s trickery, is devoid of much of the political grandstanding. Howe’er, because of Loki’s penchant for lies and deceit, Surly Thor hath developed a fine nose for detecting bullshit. So, whilst enjoying down time between fending off conquering alien hordes, Surly Thor did feel the urge to make sure Americans were not swayed by deceit spread so prevalently over the internet and your Book of Face. There is nothing superhuman about the ability to do this, any one of thee hath at thy fingertips the ability to do thine own research and use fact and logic in the face of ignorance and lies. As for the surliness, mother did say to a young Odinson that he could be whate’er he desired, so he became surly.

Q) Do you feel threatened or mocked by judges and the gavels they carry?

A) Until Judge Judy stumbles upon a mystical Uru gavel there is not much threat from mortal judges. Of course, it doth help to stay on the right side of thy legal system just in case.

Q) What made you take up the mantle of Surly Thor and take the fight to those deserving it?

A) Surly Thor was originally created to not have my friends subjected to my political leanings as I was arguing with the idiots at the Fox and Friends page and to keep a level of privacy in a very polarized political climate. Having seen the works of Duke St. Rollins and Chest Strongwell at the time I decided to grab an amusing identity and run with it. I had been a big comic book, mythology, and role playing geek since I was about nine, so I decided to create an alter ego along those lines. I went through a couple ideas of various emotional super-heroes (Apathetic Daredevil and Disgruntled Thanos were contenders for a while) and settled on Thor, because I thought the language would make it unique. So, I created Surly Thor, began posting my exploits, and lo and behold people started coming in and joining in the laughs with me. As for why I fight the fight, I’d like to say I have some noble ideals to change the world but, in all honesty, most of the time I just enjoy watching people get pissed off when you call them on their bullshit.

Hope all of thee hath enjoyed this as much as The Prince of Asgard hath, until next week where we shall return to the usual rants and raves, be good warriors.

ST